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2002-01-20

dog shit

there's the lilt and the tilt of the voice.
the duck of the head. the stutter of the tongue against the teeth.
the ambivelance combined with the curiousity. comfort/ease vs. fluster

when held in each hand - i glance. right to left....stay somewhere in the middle going nowhere.
arms akimbo. looking from one apple to the other.
i took a bite of both. and still stay straight down the center of decision-less.

leaned in a little. leaned back a little.

touched. pulled back.

having had a taste, i just wanted to test my reaction.
furrow the brow a little.

i care less than i project.
i care more than i reflect.
i'm most enamored of just remembering what it means to smell.

senses acute.
and a little overloaded. hey there turbo. slow down.
hold it under your tongue.
let it dissolve. sh.arp.

lately. found myself hoofing it. nose up at the bus. walking through tangled cement and occasionally gleefully 4-year-old stomping on the sidewalk weeds.
looking up like it was the first time. weirdly in love with the leaning tops of buildings and the way they cut the sky a little. cut at me a little.
smiling at nobody and nothing. wondering if the people in their moving metal boxes see me smiling at the air and wonder.

for a long time i wanted him to drown too.
now , separate of my own surfacing, i am ..joyful?(hopeful) for his becoming.being.having.wanting. separate and away. from me.
and i beat a stacatto of i-am-alone-i-am-alone down the street today. and i wanted to dance a little heartbeat and banshee grin.
i wonder if they'd/he'd/anyone'd recognize that it has nothing to do with them at all. and maybe everything

i don't want anything right now.
alien.

i pulled off my top. for bed. and i caught the smell of me. skin and sweat and chemical enhancement. and the residual bar smoke and a slight beeriness. and i buried my face in my sweater. self-lust.

tangy.warm.sweet

in a room of warm bodies . earlier. drums and funk in my bones. funk in my panties. in my head. dancing and hugging and that feeling of core and companionship and completely all alone all balanced out like a la mode.

i want to smell everyone.
i said it once.
hey. little did i know i meant me .

girl gave me the best compliment i've had in awhile. not the kind that inflates the ego. the kind that reminds you and you write it down so you don't forget who you are to other people. who it is you project.

i forget who i am every three days.

i make plans to rewrite my pathways. but i remain straight and narrow true. computational messiness.

i think i projected a falsehood the other night. i was just rectifying a having-tasted without having-sensed.
choked.
i forget how to do everything.
and the funny thing is. i thought that forgetting would make me frustrated. sad. wall-banging-frustration.
but no. i wanted to laugh. and i knew i couldnt 'explain that.

i was only laughing at me.

skin hunger is prickling a little. like pins under a thin skein of milk that has closed over the top. asleep.

inhaling the smell around someones lips. around the thin skin behind their ears, the warm throb on the side of the neck. cradling spider sacs like it might explain everything. the darkness that is the taste of saliva and self. and remembering what it means to let go to currents without letting go

of the anticrista who is starting a slow dance alone in my belly. she's been asleep. waiting. for when her little fingernails and her little laugh and her little dances of glee. would be welcome again. to fuse herself with me. because. i am she.

she is me.

and we are we.

and we will hold hands in a circle of two and end up somewhere on the ceiling.
in love with rediscovery.
not of you or him or them.
but of me.
and want and no-want. and
last night.
i slept completely spread eagle.

ankles and wrists pointing to the four corners
and i dreamed about my skin on skin.

and there was no water to be found anywhere.

this is not rebirth.

this gestation is lifelong.

and i'm frustrated at my inability to express it except through these vagueries.
if i could press my forehead to yours.
you'd see.
i promise.

and i can't stop smiling at the empty spaces i wanted to fill.

i'm not even sure i understand , myself.
so sue me for being cryptic.

i'm eating my own sins of the past two years.

theres dog shit on my shoe


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