you will be ok

i love your parents. i got a long long message updating me to how you are. how healthy you look and sound. how hopeful you feel. and the relief and happiness i feel . i can't describe.

i know you have a hard road ahead of you, but god damn i have faith.

i think a lot of my fear of how a program might change you...(i pictured you becoming spiritual. i pictured you embracing god. crutches. becoming self-righteous or narrower. i have no problem with spiritual people , it's just a bent i wouldnt' recognize in you. i guess i was scared i wouldn't recognize a healthy you? ) had nothing to do with how it might change you so much as almost a weird envy. a feeling that you might come out of the program with a strong sense of purpose and movement and momentum. and i think i am tired of a lack of purpose in my life.

so , it was another selfish gut reaction.

i'm constantly fighting that selfish side of myself, i hope if i never give in to it again...maybe someday it will just fade away.

somebody e-mailed me about addiction and faith and .. it was so beautifully put. thank you.

something good has happened to me.

something good has happened to you.

and they are linked and totally separate.

and for the first time i am wanting good for you as you, and not as you linked to me.

i am wanting to be a good friend.

and not ex-wife laden with issues.

i slept well last night.

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