resolute.

i've tried to break down my pathological fear of being angry.

anger is honest.

i rarely give in to bitterness because i feel bitterness as a lie. i recognize that i am having to turn someone into something other than human to be able to embrace bitterness. and that i am pushing myself away from culpability of my own.

granted, nothing bad has really happened to me. the man who went too far was a good man. as backwards as that sounds. i was aware enough even as a child to know the difference. between evil and sick. between bad and good but confused and wrong. i learned not to trust his actions but i trusted his motivation, if that makes sense to anyone other than me.

the worst htat's happened to me is a broken marriage. and , you know, things could be worse.

so, i'm not judging anyone who dance and parries with bitterness. my story could be very different. but because nothing very bad has ever happened to me, i know that bitterness would be me trying to put another face on things that are my own issues. an inner lie.

but anger. anger can be rooted in fire and cleansing and righteous indignation and standingup for ones self.

and i always saw it as weakness.

i forgive to the point of crumbled foundation

not that i havent been passive aggressive in my forgiveness.

this passive aggression has been really just a weilding of that buried anger like a blunt and awkward instrument. and turns me into something i no longer respect. awkward armor with every stab, tossing me to the ground

resolute.

henceforth.

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