christmas weekend

you've been erased from this house. at first, 2 years ago, it was obvious. pictures that had once included you were chopped short. you'd been cut out. not because you weren't liked but because you'd made my mother wish she could have her own arm chopped off rather than see me feeling like i was. so she treated you like a limb *i'd* lost.

now...pictures from that time period are just magically absent. no more truncated images. just...newer fresher pictures only.

where are you now. i'm worried. i debated the gift i sent and decided my first instinct was right and that sending a gift a year was an okay gesture. but you seem to have disappeared and that's so like you and completely unlike you.

i walked for hours with them by the ocean. there was spray on my sunglasses and in my hair. my skin felt somehow more alive. my stepfather said they needed a lasso to hold me back. i was hiking the hell out of them...nearly disappearing around corners. stopping only when deer got in my way. i felt alive.

i realized i live in a glow of technology and ...sometimes i wonder if my luddite parents have it right.

i don't really have the taste for this anymore. it's becoming more sparse... the desire..it's habit. but a strong habit.. the meat has been chewed away. i'm losing interest in self reflection. in realizations and discoveries and revelations. feeling. i just want to be. and being is feeling, but... maybe there's a simpler way.

i spent a few days angry. angry at crotchety. angry at neighbor boy for his innate ability to hone in on the things i already know about myself an secretly abhor ... and prick them with a pin...reeling me into a day of self-doubt and conviction that i'm even more of a dork than i already know i am.

i like when i feel like-able and interesting and full of forward motion and a joy at people and life.

i dislike when i realize this enjoyment also sometimes leads me to try to cultivate it. .. when the true enjoyment only comes hweni let it happen naturally.

we played games that we were all too smart for so the game ended quickly. we ate chipotle shrimp corn cake things that were amazing. we hiked and laughed and ... i've reached a good place with my family.

three of us made most of our gifts this year and there was a certain delight in giving something we'd put our own time into.

cd's. infused olive oils. necklaces and bracelets. home brewed beer. journals with photos pasted inside and quotes underneath. homemade photo albums that tie closed with ribbon.

we oogled my iPod and listened to christmas songs and brazilian music. we salsa'd and i tried to teach my step father...

i was intensely aware of being odd man out. despite all the good things. i'm usually odd man out in this family. but somehow, that isnt' feeling so disjointed anymore. it's ok to be the one who's different. but i'm still aware.

our family dog died and my mother and i started crying tonight. he usually gets a bone from santa. a big giant femur.

i missed my boy... but know he's having a good weekend with aunt iota.

i'm going to learn to scuba dive and come down to carmel and dive at point lobos

i should care less what people think of me. i think that's one of the more important things i have to work on.

that...and being outdoors more and in front of this strange glow less.

i'm so sleepy. the futon is horribly uncomfortable, i think i'll sleep on the cushy couch by the fireplace.

tomorrow i ride the train for the first time.

i raid my mothers bookshelf and go away with a pile.

[ previous� �|� � next ]

�

�