crying

last night my roommate and i drank red wine and ate sourdough with l'explorateur. steaks marinated in aged vinegar, spices, brownsugar. and asparagus.

it was delicious.

planning the ultra super groovy new years party

looking forward to my first amtrak ride.

trying to only hold on to what i love about holidays, and not the holes no longer filled.

watching a movie last night that struck a grief chord in me. i remembered when i saw Truly Madly Deeply and how touched i was by her expressions of grief. how real i thought her ugly snotty sobbing was. raw. ugly. real.

and that was how i cried. and is how i still cry sometimes. but there was a kind of crying i never ever experienced until i went through my own sense of grief and loss. .. a crying that is a clenching of the entire body. leaning forward. almost a primal scream. keening and a wrenching so deep you can feel your stomach clenching in a way similar to a dry heave.

actresses who have never felt that kind of primal loss...i don't know if the'll ever truly be able to express it. Demi moore crying in that piece of giant poop, Ghost? beautiful, but nothing real about it at all. somehow i find it midly offensive.

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