longing

i want magic pills that take away the sadness when ther'es no 'love' at the end of a note. just the initial.

i want magic pills that take away longing.

because...i'm all about the longing.

therapist and i talked about the way i crave food. and she said is that the way you feel about him and maybe why you get so stuck. it's not just that you love, but you want want want want crave need so badly .yes. like banging my head against a wall over and over. autism of longing. which leads to the hopeless feeling. and i wonder if i am now lying to myself about having once been happy, since that's what i'm striving longing for so badly. maybe i wasn't really, and it's just worse now so i've convinced.sdfkjdjslfkjlskj wo that was becoming a disjointed rant. stop RIGHT THERE. no more o that. where's my water bottle, yo.

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