fear

when i was little, the world used to slow down for me sometimes. i don't mean meandering. i mean literally slow down.

like that dorky star trek movie.

i'd be in the bath and playing with my legs...swinging them back and forth and suddenly i'd see the skin meet and part and it would be happening in slow motion.

sometimes it was while i was outside, hiding in thegrass.

it always seemed to happen when i was looking at skin. never at something else.

it was like i was seeing it break down into separate molecules.

this was the closest i ever came to a spiritual-like experience as a child.

when i was a teenager, i'd be driving with my mother and i'd have epiphanic moments where everythign suddenly seemed to make sense. the world would look more defined, and brighter (not brighter in an emotional way, but like the light was stronger) .. and the top of my scalp would feel electric. sometimes the way in which the world made sense was not in a positive way (usually not) ...but the physical feeling to me was still a good one.

i don't have experiences like this anymore.

i was a lonely kid. on the outside of my mother and fathers relationship. not close to anyone. no real friends. lived way out in the country. i had no intimacy really with anyone. kid-like intimacy. closeness. comfort with people.

when i first finally experienced this, i ended up being surprisingly good at it. but it was too strong, the relief.

and by the time i was 20. i was having nightmares. about being on the outside again.

and i've let that rule me.

that fear.

[ previous� �|� � next ]

�

�