panic

i tried to kill him in my dream last night.

we were on a boat. going somewhere on a murky marshy not-lake. not-swamp. not-ocean. not-river. some watery thing though.

and matt was there, and someone else. karen maybe.

and he was sitting at another table yelling over to matt. i went to the bathroom and said. here. i'll be gone. come sit here so you can stop yelling and when i come back you can go right back over there. i was angry. angry that he wouldn't sit with us. angry because he couldn't look me in the eye. because he kept talking on a cell phone. (he 's never owned a cell phone. i'm not sure he ever would).

then everyone got tired of the games and left us alone.

we talked. me heatedly. him distantly. then we were kissing and it was like drowning. it was how it always was. and then he pulled away and he said "see?" something about that proving there's nothing left there. and i began to cry, because that wasn't what that was about at all. and then i said something about hte past two years having been hell for me. about it being about things being raw and my trying to learn to pretend. trying to learn to not remember. trying to learn to see a white screen in my mind when i needed to. and taht it was very tiring for me. very hard. exhausting. emotional. while for him it hadn't been, because he was already distant from it. and he agreed with me and said the two years hadn't been very hard at all for him.

and i grabbed him by the hair and began to beat his face against the table. crying. saying why would you say things that you know will hurt me. why not just *not* say things if you're thinking them. what ever happened to not believing in truth for truths sake all the time. that sometimes there'sa line that can be crossed? what about that.

and suddenly a shudder split my body and my back arched off the bed and i woke up panting and crying raggedly, tears in my ears. and my entire body had gone stiff with panic at what i was doing. my back had *actually* arched off the bed in my sleep, as though someone had stabbed me and my body was fighting them off. i began to sob. boogie licked my face.

i don't know what brought this dream on. he'd never actually say half those things. and the past two years were definitely hard on him too. he almost died. he hit rock bottom in his way. not exactly because of us but it's all tied together. he was never distant about hurting me, that hurt him too.

so why did i dream this? was it that letter i got? i don't know.

we would both still be there for each other if something awful were to happen to the other.

so why this violence in my dream?

just pent up frustration as i go through the maneuvers of putting things behind me?

i used to have a recurring nightmare when younger, before i ever even met him.

the story would be different every time but the theme the same.

in each dream things would be normal (or as normal as a dream can be) and i'd be hanging out with a group of friends. one of the friends would suddenly go 'crazy' and kidnap everyone or something to that effect. then a little while later would be about to kill someone else i loved. so here someone i loved would be , with a knife to someone else i loved's throat. (or a gun to their head) . and in the dream, because things are weird and not defined. the only way i could stop them was to stab them or shoot the crazy loved one myself. so i'd stab them. (or shoot them) and nothing would happen. so i'd stab again. nothing. again. nothing. so i'd stab and stab and stab and they wouldn't stop killing the other person and they wouldn't die. and i'd wake up panicked. sobbing hard.

i have never done anything violent. i dont' think i have it in me.

so these dreams where i do something awful and violent. where i feel like i have no choice, would wake me drenched.

is this a dream about being out of control?

i didn't like waking up this morning. i haven't completely lost that feeling of panic.

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