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2001-09-17

shit patrol

in one month it will be 2 years since my ex walked out the door. i've gone down down down and up a little and levelled out and gone down a little and then up some more.

it's been a hard couple of years. i broke down more than i thought i would have.

while i was still happy and married and thinking of forever. my ex (c) was my best friend. but my best friend after him was matt. C and i had lived with him the first year and a half we were together...we'd fought with him and argued things with him and talked for hours with him and gotten drunk with him and taken road trips with him. we moved out because it was time. but also because there was no other way we'd save our friendship with this person unless we moved. 3 is a crowd it's true. if 2 of you are a couple, at least.

that last year before C left, i used to go get a drink a couple nights a week with M. i'd get off work, and go have a glass of wine or a margarita. talk with M. laugh. be sick. be weird. over analyze *everything* and everyone. have *fun*

and then go home, sometimes a little tipsy, and continue talking and having fun with my boy.

when c left i was devastated. knocked down. turned into an 8 year old. vulnerable. shaking. screaming.

and matt made me go out. made me go socialize. called me and invited me to things. patted my head. told me i was beautiful. told me i was smart. promised me i'd love again. promised me someone would love me again. all the things i didn't believe yet but would pacify me if i heard them from someone else.

and then things started to change. i tried to never lean too hard. i couldn't bear to be touched, so this overly cuddley guy was not getting the snuggle thing from me (he's the kind of guy who likes to cuddle with the women he's super comfortable with). i never called when i was crying or in the middle of the night when i was staring blankly at the wall, unable to sleep. hating being awake.

but he likes sad women. he needs to be needed in a far worse way than most people do when they say they like being needed. and i was already his type. red hair. pale skin. 'curvy' as he put it...

and .. i was used to thinking of him as the guy i'd lived with while married. as mine *and* C's best friend. as an extension of my relationship that was now dead. dating him would have just felt wrong.

but his feelings were changing and people were telling me and i was scoffing and saying "pfft. no. we're just best friends. we're close"

and now. we've had a year of pushing and pulling and arguing because my feelings never changed and his did and yet we feel like we need each other. like we have history in our friendship that allows us to be a better deeper us when we're around each other. but we're not good for each other right now.

there's so much that's just not good anymore.

i don't feel like i've been able to be his 'friend' in months.

and just like i've had a hard time letting go of C. m and i can't go anywhere until he is ready to work on thinking of me as his 'friend' first and not 'the girl he wants as a girlfriend'. because that's the goal, to be friends again. but he doesn't really want to let go of that yet.

and so, where do we go? i mean, is this something that is salvagable?

there are power plays and anger and i feel restricted by him because i can't talk about certain feelings and things i want to do or meeting someone someday . and there are the blame games, which we try to avoid, for 'how did we get here?'. and he feels rejected. and angry. and neither of us is 'right' or 'wrong'. things just *are* ...and where they are..is just not good.

it's messy.

and i'm wanting to go home so i'm really skimming this over. skimming the top of it. i had a different more indepth entry in mind originally.

but. i have to go and let my little fuzz ball take a pee and wander around the neighborhood for a few with him.

so...i'm dispirited. feeling a little hopeless, because i want this friendship. i *miss* this friendship. and sometimes i feel like i need it.

i don't. he doesn't either, although he discusses things in terms of 'need'. we'll be fine and develop new relationships without each other. but ...the desired goal, of course, is to figure out how to stay friends.

last week when i waved "bye!" to he and karen and walked to the bus stop with neighbor boy, after scotch night. he held out his arms in his needy gropy way , with the facial expression that said "i can't go home without a hug" and i hugged him and rolled my eyes and he holds on for 40 seconds. and i feel oppressed somehow. because i dont' mind hugging, but i want to just *hug* the way i'd hug any friend. and karen makes an "ew gross' sound. and she tells me later that he responds angrily to her with "don't. she'll cut me off and i *need* that".. and i feel horrified.

i don't *want* this . i don't want need. or anger. or issues.

i just want my *friend* back.

and yet. he's still a friend. we go out to discuss these things. eat some food. and we argue. and we get huffy. and we disagree. and it gets hot under the collar and we're pissed off but then one of us makes a stupid joke and we laugh. and interspersed with all these things we're trying to work out, is an understanding of each other. an ability to communicate well. truly listening to each other. getting each others humor. talking about things that have nothing to do with 'us' but about ourselves as individuals. and others. and movies. and of course he managed to talk about the romans and the mongols *because* everything relates to the mongos and the romans. and it's good.

so ...i have little hope. but i have hope.

and now . home to do the shit patrol.


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