yo

i couldn't sleep last night. it had nothing to do with anything. i just couldn't sleep. i wasn't thinking about anything. my feather bed was askew. and whenever my blankets or feather bed are 'wrong' , i become the princess and the pea. tossing and turning. wishing i could get up and put it all to rights but too half asleep to actually do it.

finally at 4 in the morning, standing naked , precarious...in the dark. pushing boogie and his dead weight off the bed. yanking and grunting in the dark as i put the feather bed straight. sink back down. boogie slinks back up. i return to my weird dreams of having sex with giant 500 lb all-muscle-no-fat green scaly yet humanish men. starting out horrified. somehow getting into it. nobody ever said i wasn't a little sick. thank god. something about sexual power, which i haven't allowed in awhile. because i've preferred meek. i've preferred sad. i've preferred broken to voracious. so it was disturbing. giant penises. me. (me. giant penises). green ones, at that. i woke up turned on but giggling. i remember at one point, my main big green guy and i hadn't seen each other in awhile. he was some powerful important military or leader type green guy. and so, i was not something he could pursue (god this is so funny to be talkinga bout 'seriously')... but there was this longing thing. longing glances. from a 500 lb green scaly man!

i don't know. you tell me what it means.

friday night i decided to go out. to try to return to some sense of 'normalcy' whatever that is. i watched a movie at home first, drinking wine. the movie Playing Mona Lisa was written by a high school friend and the music in one scene and over the end credits is by one of my best friends. and watching the movie, i realized they were in my neighborhood too. my coffee shop is in it. it's not a fabulous movie but its' clever. fun. a good romantic comedy. (although i couldn't stand alicia witt). i left from my house a little tipsy happy and ended up at the club. i danced til 2. i drank and talked and danced and ...over did it. the next day was spent battling with my stomach and my head.

i went to see Rock Star, which was also not a great movie. dorky. cliche'd for hte most part. BUT. my ex-husbands uncle was in it. i dont' mean a scene. i mean in the WHOLE Movie. because he plays the bassist for Steel Dragon (the band that marky mark joins). in reality, he's the bassist for dokken, so he's on the in for rokken, you know. but it was weird to watch a movie that has somebody i've eaten thanksgiving dinners with. who i know as 'family'. he was swinging a jack daniels bottle (or some other whiskey) in one scene, and that was funny because he doesn't drink and hasn't for years. and to see him being his dokken rokken persona but knowing him as someone who does yoga and meditates every day. eats brown rice and clean foods. who is somebody so different from his dokken persona. anyway. i had great fun. despite the schlock factor.

i was trying to decide whether to go to the Day of Remembrance today. but i decided to remember in my own way. and stay here at work.

I've found that i'm easily manipulated. I am an atheist, but i have found myself crying at horrible christian television shows. I find myself easily manipulated by a well tuned and twisted news story.

this is something i have to fight in myself. my ability to be manipulated. and mob mentality.

i woke up this morning and boogie had stretched his body length wise, laying on his back..his paws curled upward in the air. his little muzzle turned towards me, resting on my shoulder. we lay there like that for about 15 minutes. i was loathe to get up (and still having lingering giant green men in my mind)... i rubbed his belly a few times and kissed the side of his muzzle and groggily slid from my featherheaven(haven).

i got an email today telling me that if i ever wanted to move to Ireland, this man I know could help me get a job, because there are tons..unlike here.

temptation. i would love to go back. although 1990 was the last time.

this morning i have etta and nina and wynonie zinging through my head.

writing my mother emails in my head, but too lazy to get to them.

last night was spent trying to find a way to save my most important friendship... but i'll write about that later. just thinking about it makes me tired. but i can say. despite all our issues...we're able to make sick jokes and laugh at each other still. and that's the core of what i'm trying to save.

not hopeful. but ... i'll keep trying.

going through my different playlists. god i love mp3's.

time to work.

later, yo.

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