me

i've had self-inflicted loneliness lately. I've been staying home more. not chatting. just reading. cleaning. sitting. cuddling my dog. i forgot to say that in an e-mail i wrote recently ...listing the things i have that he doesn't. not that i'm keeping a tally. it's just good to be cognizant of your strengths .well, i have boogie. boogie is my boy. he lays heavy across the blankets, making it hard for me to move, and rests his muzzle on my chest with a heavy burdensome trust.

you know there's changes that need to be made when your closest friendships make you tired. make you close your eyes and want to lean against the nearest wall. i don't know what to do anymore.

every two days there's something i feel i need to 'fix'. something to patch. something to explain.

my friend has a house in austin. and he's leaving it in about a year. it has two bedrooms and a studio space. and i want to rent it. i want to pack up a truck and ride across the country with my dog in the passenger seat. i want to fill water bowls so he stays hydrated. and blast lucinda williams and lyle lovett and townes van zandt and sonny landreth and anders osborne and john hiatt and other good road trip music. i want to sleep at rest stops and let my left arm get brown from sun through the window. i want to cast off and take on. i want to enter a club where some amazing singer songwriter is playing. alone. timorous. alone. lonely. i want to smile at strangers. i want to make faltering conversation. i want to bake in the sun and melt away. i want to find my coffee shop and my book store and my pub and my new friends.

and i don't want to leave anyone i know here.

and i want to leave everyone i know here.

he read every day. but now that there's this blank space where my words were. we haven't talked. it's best.

i've felt this knife edge inside me. the screw. the turning point. the shift of something new. that strange unsettled excited feeling that feels like premonition.

i'm thinking of starting or joining a book club. i'm thinking of of taking a class. i'm thinking of plunging into me like a pool and sitting on the bottom. holding my breath. looking through the water til i have to rise up and let it all out with a giant exhalation like relief.

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