tired.

i've been feeling this frozen-in-place feeling in the face of stress lately.

a doomed feeling.

more than that. a feeling like giving up. like doom is the end result, so i've doomed myself before i even begin.

didn't even mention here that i need a new roommate in a week and a half and i havne't done anything to resolve this issue.

granted. i *couldn't* do anything til last week when i renegotiated rent on that room down $125 and then i got sick. but... still.

i feel so groggy this morning. and like i have giant backpacks hanging under my eyes.

unquenchable thirst. wrung out .dry. bone.

sitting in crotchetys office listening to john prine. talking about when this strange tilt happened. something i had thought was a positive turned out to be a negative. was more than not ready. i'm too stuck in a presupposed doom. autoassumption.

interesting conversation about how it's not guilt always that motivates .but caretaking. a mixture of guilt and caretaking causes us to take on the negative things in a parent or both .. as if to prove that it's ok that they were like that.

i don't know about this.

none of my mom in me. but plenty of lincoln.

weird.

i feel like i have nothing to show for the past.

just fragments. puzzle pieces that don't fit together no matter how hard i shove.

he once said a glow emanated from me. that he felt almost humbled by it.

i feel dim like spit-water.

maybe i'm just tired.

maybe i'm just sick.

i can't form anything. i can barely see my screen through some fogginess. much less ..

..

.. .. .

i'll come back to this.

i had something concrete in my head

but right now it's just fruit salad.

ugh. tylenol pm. no good.

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