grunt

hm. this new 'add an entry' page is odd. not sure how i feel about it. i'm withholding opinion for now.

so, i've been spending time at home this week. cloistered away in my giant room with boogie asleep next to me. (occasionally pestering me with balls in my lap, etc). playing on my computer. going to bed early. eating my own provisions. drinking a beer or two. what i realized, on the second day of doing th is. i haven't eaten at home, or spent more than one consecutive day at home in ...months? i've been out more nights than not. spent buttloads of moneymore nights than not. drinking. eating. socializing. feeling being alone like a weakness i couldn't indulge in.

i've enjoyed this week. i feel a little more peaceful.

less like my identity revolves around who will hang out with me tonight.

and i've been so stressed with the renegotiation of rent. with my impending broketude (official new heather-word). with needing to find another roommate. again. i'm not sure what to do about the 'second' dog in the house. she's only a year old and she's so damn hyper. she gets boogie going and the next thing i know it's chaos in my house.

i'm feeling pissy. between best friend issues. trying to draw the lines that need to be drawn. not hanging uot all thetime. not allowinghim to need me as his main emotional outlet anymore. .. and this odd jealousy when i'm excluded. especially when it's him and neighborboy. somehow that hits closer to home, although that's just plain ridiculous.

i skipped game night last night, and while i'm sure it was fun... i don't regret staying home and being an anti-social vegetable even slightly.

last night i dreamed that i had a twin. and she was not a good person at all. (ok, she was evil). we were teenagers. she and her friends had nefarious plans for me and had me trapped. i managed to crawl out a bathroom window and over some roof tiles. my 'guardian' already killed by my twins gang. i had a lot of money but no way to get to it. so i htched a ride with some woman going to meet her true internet love. hwen we got there, it was awful between them. and he had a yard that went on forever with a big pagoda on it. he was some sort of swami, but everytime i tried to find him i'd get lost. i would see him, try to get to him, and end up somewhere else (very alice n wonderland). and i felt some strange kinshp with this man so i had to reach him. it was imperative. and i was in some sort of stronghold by staying at his house. i was safe ... but there was this feeling of impending doom.

that's all i really remember.

except for the pervading emotion of it.

almost my birthday.

brain in the off position.

need to buy a shower curtain.

*grunt*

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